It’s 2am and I’m about to finally hit the sack.  I’m of course suffering from lack of sleep yet I can’t get my eyes to stay shut. Yesterday was a strange, oddball kind of day. I started out chilling with mi familia and in the midst of it all there it fu*kin was.  Out of the blue I get an email from my ex, and after an hour of utter an sheer ambivalence, of course - I opened it.  It was short and light hearted and yet it fu*ked with me emotionally. After everything this man put me through (and it was quite devastating) I suddenly felt a pang of inconceivable sadness and yearning. How do you suddenly stop loving someone after years of being together? Will I ever be totally rid of this man once and for all?  A lot of people are able to be friends with their ex’s even after traumatic breakups but I don’t know…  My rational mind knows that on so many levels that would be a devastating idea that would only end up causing me more pain. But I miss him.  I genuinely miss the friendship and camaraderie in which we shared. I miss the way he made me laugh uncontrollably, I miss allot of things. He was my friend and I miss him. I miss him so much it physically HURTS.  How do you ever let go of your first love? This bites. Feel like crying right now …ahhhhh. I will not cry. I will not cry.               

Here I am not only fuming because of this correspondence but because I needed to talk this out and the one person who promised to do me a solid, of course totally flaked on me.  Thanks, D.L.  Why do I even bother believing people when they promise or say their going to do something; because it NEVER pans out.  NEVER. This enhances my heightend agitation when it comes to men and relationships (friendships or otherwise).  I would love, LOVE, LOVE it if just one time, I don’t have to ask and someone could just make it happen. Surprise me with something other than the usual predictable let downs. I want to trust, I want to let him in but fuck… I’m tired of feeling disappointed.  This is why I just take things as they come and don’t try and read deeper into the what could be; that shit usually spells unmatched trouble.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hayE_ZP0rI]

T.