My ethnic background is rather mixed and due to that I happen to be one of two dark skin people on my father’s side of the family, my father being the other. Between both parents, I’m mixed with Afro-Guyanese, Indo-Guyanese and Aboriginal “Buck” Guyanese, leaving us with not just dark skin, but with a dusty complexion which resembles those from places like Sri Lanka; we’re sorta like a mixed masala

             It’s ME.

Growing up, I was always acutely aware of my complexion and how certain family members viewed those with darker skin. I was always treated slightly differently 1. due to my complexion and 2. because my mother was clearly NEVER accepted by my father’s family;hence I was seen an an extension of her and that was often a precarious situation .  Over time, things became increaseingly blatant and disrespectful; to the point where I even had an older cousin tell her son (right in front of me) that he ought not bring a dark skin girl home or she would disown him. Oh she was VERY serious alright.  This from a woman who purposely had both her children by lighter skined black men as to avoid them from not passing that brown paper bag test. FACT not fiction.

Over the years there were many more egregious instances which left me definitly kind of color struck and on high alert when comments are made regarding those with darker skin. 

I swear I have an allergic reaction to people and their phlegmatic sense of awareness to what they say and to whom they say it to.

The thing that brought up this entire complexion issue for me this weekend was:

1. I was chatting on my BlackBerry and out of the blue the person was observing, the darkest lady dressed in all black who’s babysitting the whitest child  … In my head i’m thinking, AND WTF is your point?!! So what, very dark people should refrain from ever wearing black? Ummm, NO! Then the person felt the need to add in,  oh she’s very pretty but very dark , etc. etc. In my head I’m thinking WOW! How dare you!! You don’t need to add that last bit in because no matter how you spin it, there’s obviously a hint of derision in your message. And all this is being said to ME, a dark skin woman.  This isn’t the first time something like this has been said to me but this weekend, it really stuck with me. It’s tantamount to a white person saying, I’m not racist /biggot, afterall I do have Black friends ( although by friends they mean the mail guy in their office who’s never stepped foot in their home nor have they spoken to the black friend outside of the office).  I don’t need you to validate my freaking beauty by adding in oh she’s very pretty or I love dark skin men/women, yet you’ve never nor will you ever consider a person of that complexion as a potential mate. This type of shit gets to me.  I KNOW, alot of this undercurrent complexion tension stems from this whole childhood family shit, but the other fraction of it is just the sheer flout people seem to have with dark, very dark, blue/black complexioned people. Right or wrong, it is what it is, but people need to be cognizant of what they’re saying and to whom they’re saying it to.

2.  having that happen earlier in my weekend, the complexion issue then spilled over into conversations with a friend. My fascination with the complextions of the previous women this applicable suitor has dated ( mostly out of sheer nosyness).  I mean previously he mentioned to me that when he was younger he  had a penchant for the light skinned/ light eyed freaks. ( his word, lol) That kind of slapped me in the back of the freaking head and totally brought up that shit from when I was younger so I always filed that piece of info in the memory bank and sought to delve into it this weekend. Please don’t ask me why, I must be a fucking masichist, I think.  So we did a visual excercise and it was kind of confirmed to me that yeah, homie did or does have a penchant for the very light and pretty.

By no means is that a negative thing, but it just goes to show that when shit happens to you as your younger, it’s never easy getting over it and voiding it from spilling into various facists of your everyday life. And this so fucking sucks because here I am giving him shit for merely being attracted to those who tickle HIS  fancy and scrutinizing HIS decesions. Who the hell does that??  This man must be like, this damn b*tch! I know that I gave him shit and was totally out of line and let my insecurity come through but fuck me! HOW DO I GET OVER THIS SHIT! This has been fraying my nerves all damn evening and I know he sensed a shift in my mood. I’ve been trying to assess and figure out how I’m going to go about letting those types of comments slide off my back,  no answers yet but like everyone and everything, I’m everchanging.

Needed to get this off my chest.

T.